“Blood is thicker than water.” How many of you are familiar with that phrase? Have any of you ever had a family member toss that gem at you, to try to convince you into believing that you must do something or be something for someone, that you might not otherwise want to do or be, because they are “family” (related by blood)?
Here’s the thing. That isn’t the complete quote. The full, original quote is, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”, which means pretty much the exact opposite of what the shortened version says.
I grew up in a big “family”, surrounded by my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, but my dad was also always bringing home “strays”. I know that sounds awful, but hear me out! He would, and still does, bring home people in need, just like some people bring home stray dogs or cats that are in need of a home.
The first time was when I was six years old. My parents were friends with this couple; I’ll call them Bob and Andrea. Bob and Andrea would go camping with us, and come over for all of the family picnics. They were always there, and they were treated like “family”, until Bob and Andrea decided to divorce. By then, they had a little boy, so my dad moved Andrea and the little boy into the very small spare room in our house. They stayed with us for a while, how long isn’t clear to me anymore, but it was for months. I do remember that they had a really dirty fish tank in that room, with a huge goldfish in it, and that my dad tormented the poor kid at Christmas, by walking around on the roof on Christmas Eve, then telling him that because he wasn’t in bed, Santa left and wasn’t coming back. Santa must have come back though, because there were gifts for all of us under the tree in the morning…lol.
He then moved in my first “boyfriend”. For the record, I was WAY too young to have a boyfriend, especially this one, but the guy needed help, so my dad felt the need to step in. That was one of the worst times of my life.
The next one I remember was a young man that he picked up off of the highway overpass just down the road from our house. He moved him into a camper we had in our driveway, but gave him full use of the bathroom in the house, even when he and my mom were not home, but us teenage kids were.
My mom got into foster parenting about that time, and that slowed down my dad’s ability to bring people home. They fostered over twenty kids, and adopted the last two that they fostered. My dad then started bringing the kids’ friends and their parents’ home. He had a creepy instructor from a class he took hanging around for a while, and now, there is a guy that my mom went to school with, and that he crossed paths with at work at some point, that has lived in their driveway in a couple of different campers – theirs and his own – for years now.
You’re probably thinking, “wow, that guy is pretty amazing, being that generous to strangers”, and he is, but what people could not see from the outside looking in is how the people that should have been his priority – his biological family – were not. We all suffered in one way or another, so that these people could benefit from our “family”. Did some of them truly appreciate it and better themselves because of my dad’s interference in their lives? Yes, at least one of them did. I hope that most, if not all, of the foster kids did too. The others though, just took until they had what they needed, or couldn’t stand my dad anymore (he is quite opinionated…lol), and then moved on.
I started to change as a person when I turned 20. It took me years, and some therapy, to start to unpack the first 19 year of my life, and I am still working on it. I had to forgive my parents for some of the things that I experienced, because (in my opinion, of course) they didn’t always do their job for me as my parents. I tried to talk to my mom about some of those things when I was in therapy, and that went nowhere, so I had two choices: 1) leave the past behind, and move on with my life without them; or 2) forgive, but not forget, and set boundaries that allowed me to still have them in my life, but on my terms.
I chose the latter, because it was the best option for me. I didn’t live near by them anymore, so it was easy for me to set boundaries. They still did things that hurt me, but I could process them with a different perspective, and file them away in the “lesson learned” box, instead of allowing them to have any control over me or my emotions.
For those of you that have parents who are involved in your life, you probably cannot imagine not talking to them for days at time, much less a year or more, but that is my reality. If I wasn’t calling, or making the drive to see them, I didn’t talk to them, and I didn’t see them, and that was ok, because if a relationship isn’t beneficial for both parties, them it isn’t a healthy relationship. Once I realized that, I stopped working so hard make it work, because it was something that I could not do on my own. It is still that way today, but I do call on a regular basis, and visit them when I have the strength…lol.
While all of that was working itself out, I was also building an amazing life with my chosen family. The people who truly know me, love me, accept me for me, and are an active part of my everyday life. These people are my ride or dies. My number one is my husband. We may have our issues, but he is my best friend. I have been blessed to cross paths with some absolutely amazing human beings, and I am even more blessed to call some of them my friends. A few are related to me by blood, some by marriage, and others just by coincidence, but remember, there is no such thing as a coincidence…lol…so these are the people that I am meant to have in my life, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them!
These people are my chosen family, and that is the true meaning of the complete quote. Bonds formed by choice or through shared experiences can be SO much stronger and more meaningful than those that we are born into, if we open our hearts, and give people a chance.
Mr. Hope and I will be traveling back to my birth state on Saturday. I am not looking forward to that trip. I feel obligated to make it, and I am looking forward to seeing the person that I am going for. It’s the rest of the “family”, the ones that I am related to by blood, that I am not so excited about seeing. They are not apart of my daily life - by their choice; I tried for years to have a relationship with most of them - but they will all act happy to see us, and pretend that we are all one big happy “family”, while I bite through my tongue to keep from saying what I am really thinking…lol. I will be hanging out with some of my true family on Sunday though, so I have that to look forward to!
I apologize for rambling through this one. If you made it to the end, thank you, and I hope that if this is something that you are, or have experienced with your own “family”, you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I have been told that we pick the family that we are born into, and maybe we do, who am I to question that, but if we do, I would like to have a talk with myself before we pick the next one 😂!
Much love to all of you, with Hope and Faith!